Posts tagged ‘sadness’

July 27, 2014

Circles

I don’t know what it is. But this last week I haven’t been able to sleep. It’s not that I can’t sleep but its what I fear when I do. There are just so many nightmares that I’ve been having and every night I stay up until I can’t anymore so that I can stay away from facing those nightmares for as long as I can. It’s really affecting how I am throughout the day because I can feel that I am a lot more irritable and easily tired. I just want to sleep but I don’t want to face the sadness when I do.

March 28, 2014

Words of the Dead

In one of my Sociology classes today we had the opportunity to read a number of suicide notes, because that is the lesson that we are currently on. It was a really sobering experience knowing that the authors of these types of notes are not living anymore. How is it different than than any other works of literature written by long passed away people? Such as those memoirs by presidents past, history books written centuries ago, and those other works of literature by Shakespeare and other literary visionaries…Well for one, all of the ones that we had the opportunity to read through were written recently. Not only that but there was a voice, of pain, loneliness, and sorrow that was tangible throughout most, if not all, of them.

Image

 

I have never really felt any thing like the ping of emotion that I felt while reading through these. It really struck a chord with me especially, because I remember having a similar kind of mindset way back. And it is something that really connected with me even though I have never met the author(s). These emotions are something that we all share in, loss, heartbreak, and loneliness. What really got to me though, is the notion that these people were so beyond the point of hope that the only option was to give up. No one should ever have to reach that point. It’s almost a sad thought knowing there are more than 7 billion people now and some people are still alone. Anyways I could only imagine the faces of the parents as they came home to find this on the counter top. No parent should ever have to bury their children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D7OP6UrBcQ (play while reading, put on repeat if necessary)

 

Here is one example that I felt really encapsulated all of the emotions that were spread throughout a majority of these notes:

Dear Family,

I want you all to know that this is something that I have been considering for a long time. I have been thinking about things very much and I have come to this decision out of my own free will. I knew that I have hurt all of you very much, and I hope that you don’t ever feel like I did it on purpose. I love you all very much, even though I never told you as much as I should have. Please don’t ever feel like you let me down in any way. You all have never been anything but the perfect parents.

God truely blessed me when he gave me this family. God gave me a gift one time and since the I have done nothing to repay him. I have let him and you all down so many times. So now I am taking this moment to apologize for it all. I know that this is very painful and confusing to you, but always remember this was my choice. At this time in my life, I am so homesick for a country which I’ve never been. I am just one step closer there now. I’m resting now ad I will see all of you again one day. I’d like to thank you for giving me life and allowing me into your hearts. Mom, I understand everything you said to me now. You have always been right. I know I could never pay you back but I want you to know that I understand. Please, please don’t feel sad because of me.

I am very happy with what I had here and what I’ve got waiting for me. I need you guys to be strong now, just like I know you are. You all will get through this together. Please always remember that this was my choice and the reason I did this is very simple. I’m tired of life. I’m tired of this place. I just don’t want to grow older. Dad, thank you for always being there, and for trying to teach me to be a man. You two hug (name) for me. I love you three more than anything, and this goodbye won’t be forever, just for a little while.

Mom, please tell (name), that I love him. (Name) is a good man with a good heart. He is just a little rough around the edges, that’s all. He is a good friend. Thank you all very much. I love you and always will.

Your Son and Brother

(Signature)

______________________________________________

We always seem to care about the loss of a person, but never to those that are currently in the struggle. It’s almost a shame that people will resort to taking their own life because of the amount of pressure has finally broken their limit. I know that for some people that they only need an outlet to share their feelings. Someone to listen to just what’s going on in their lives. And it really does make a difference when you are able to let those worries and hardships come out into the open and verbalize them. Find that outlet, be that outlet! You never know how much of a difference one smile, hello, handshake, what say you…that it can make. Let’s start focusing on the issues now, so that we won’t have to read any of these letters down the road.

September 22, 2013

To Fly Away

I just had the saddest yet most peaceful dream just the last night. Even if I would’ve passed away in my sleep it wouldn’t have mattered since I haven’t felt that reconciled with myself in such a long time. Anyways for some reason, in my dream, I decided that I would just stop everything and travel the world. And for some reason, the first place I picked was Russia but for whatever reason it was, it was beautiful. I was traveling with just a few friends and there seemed to be nobody on the roads. Absolutely nobody, almost as if I was discovering a new world. I was taken aback at how different the road signs and traffic laws were and the unnatural lack of people in the countryside.

Driving through this countryside and taking in everything that was unfamiliar was almost too much, but it was also a welcome getaway from all the pain that I have felt over the years. The pain that I have not had the chance to properly let go, just sitting there in the bottom of my heart building over the years. It was a welcome getaway, just me and a few friends (and both my parents, which was a bit odd). Anyways throughout the course of my dream, each person began to fade away one by one, and it was almost as if I had never known them in the first place. Eventually I ended up in a city by myself, on my own and I felt that this was what was planned for me from the beginning.

I began to realize that I was starting to feel a bit lonely being just one person in a bustling city (although nobody was there to keep it bustling). And I realized that there are some things that I just can’t do on my own. Even thought that that is how I have done things as long as I can remember. I would do anything than to accept that I needed help on something. I feel that when I do things myself and have that quiet time set aside for me, I know who I am on the inside and forgetting that is the scariest thing. It’s easy to forget your own values and morals when you are constantly surrounded by others.

But I also realized that you can’t reach your maximum potential if you don’t have the right person to complete you. Someone to hear you out when you’re down, to pick you up when you’re just too beat down to do it yourself. And in this city, when I felt that I could no longer do it on my own that person walked into my life and showed me that it’s more about doing things on your own.

However, this would have never happened if I had just dropped everything and left to find myself in another place. I feel that most of us live in a sort of daily routine which numbs us to the beauties that surround us every single day. For example, I live in a place with the Rockies as my view and the sunrise over the mountains is absolutely amazing, but I take that for granted now and it’s nothing special anymore. I only realized that because my roommate was talking about how awesome it was the other day and made me remember how awesome it really is.

I feel that if we break away from this routine of day to day indifferences we can truly realize that we live in an amazing world, and maybe, just maybe you’ll find that special person to share that with. And I guess, according to my dream, my way out of this cycle is to find a place where I’ll be thrown out of my comfort zone and have the courage not to come back. Anyways I’m starting to lose my train of thought here. I tried to write this as soon as I got up, before I forgot but I keep getting distracted and daydreaming. I almost wish I had never woken up.

birds

April 2, 2013

First Rain

velvetrain

These are absolutely the days that I thrive in. It’s finally the season where the snow has turned to rain and I couldn’t be any happier. There’s just something about a rainy day, the overcast skies, and the constant patter of the rain on the window that makes me feel in a place that is so distant from here. I close my eyes and I am instantly transported to a place that might as well be heaven, or something close to it anyways. These kinds of days are the ones that allow my mind to wander and think about things that I wouldn’t normally think of. And speaking of rain, here’s another poem that I found from high school about rain.

No. 5

The rain began to fall

He lay there, unmoving

Unable, bleeding, dying

The cool summer mist

Blanketed those, fallen and broken

As the rain fell

He thought of why he was there

The interests of others

With their pristine gloves

And their self-absorbed wants

The rain grew heavy

He could feel the anger building

It was not his fight

Although the rain was cool

The blood was warm

The tears grew heavy

He would go home soon

Vision blurring

Fading

Into blackness

He thought of her

One last time

As the rain washed away the pain

And remembered

Why he was here

.

And there you have it! Hopefully you enjoyed. These kinds of things are definitely harder to post, since they are of my own feelings (in a raw form), but I feel that it may be of better use here than in my notebook. You all have a great rest of your day :)

February 7, 2013

Lone Wolf

Sometimes, I don’t know what it is, but I have this inescapable feeling of loneliness. And it doesn’t matter how many people that I’m with, I still feel like no one understands what this feeling is like. Today is definitely one of those days. I do my best to be there for others when they need it, everyone needs to vent sometimes, but sometimes I really just don’t give a shit. I feel like all these people do is complain, and I’m that kind of person that takes it upon myself to be there for them. But hey, things get rough even for me.

I’m usually able to talk things out off of my chest with my parents, but after our conversation today, I feel like we’re just not looking at things the same anymore. I usually come out of these deep conversations with a sense of relief, that everything’s going to be ok. But today, I felt more lost. There’s just been a lot on my mind lately…the usual stress from finances, school, life in general. And there’s some other issues as well regarding some of my fellow cadets, friends really, and their possible disenrollment because of alcohol and stupid decisions. These are the kinds of topics that I can’t just really turn to anyone and explain because it’s really personal stuff, so as a result all of these negative feelings have just built up inside.

It’s tough when you feel like a grain of sand on an endless beach. That my opinions and feelings, for the most part, do not matter. That I’ve come to the point where I have to come here to find solace. The world isn’t a pretty place and I know that. I’ve known that. But it does help when someone would just listen for once. As much as I love to listen I am a person too and have worries and concerns and anxieties that plague me day in and day out. I know that this might sound like I’m being selfish, that everything is about me, but that’s far from the truth. If I could help every single person in this world, I would, as impossible as it may sound. But I would.

But the world isn’t like that. It can be a cold place of fatigue, loneliness, and sorrow. So maybe I should just suck it up and stick to my own guns. I’ve always relied on myself when things got tough and they have always seemed to work out. Anyways, thanks for bearing with me. This is the last thing that I would have wanted to post on here, but I’ve run out of people who are willing to listen. And to write it down is the only comfort and satisfaction that I will get.story

September 15, 2012

Sunset

The air hinted of Autumn. The breeze, of Winter. The sun dimmed as it gave one more effort before finally retiring to the cold emptiness of the night. Lights dotted the landscape, stars dotted the sky. An owl hooting off in the distance, somewhere in the forest. Someone coughs, lungs full of smoke, somewhere in the city. The barren empty city.

The man lay  there, in the grassy opening. Every breath becoming harder to take in as the minutes passed by. He thought of his life up to this point, touched the wound under his blood stained shirt. He winced not only because of the sharp pain in his chest, but also because the feeling of regret that burdened his mind. There were so many things that he had wished he had done. Things that he wished he had said. But as his pulse grew weaker, his vision fading, the only thing that came to his mind was a bitter cold.

He wished that he hadn’t been so ignorant, so stupid. He thought of his home, the familiar smell of his grandmother’s cooking. All the times that he had played with his siblings. Then those dark days, when his grandfather was on his dying moments. He still couldn’t hide the pain when it came to his sweet grandfather. So heart-broken was he that his parents had to pick him up from his grandfather’s tombstone. They had thought he had run away, but he had been by his side, out in the cold for one full week. Hungry, tired, sad. But without any strength. He thought of those days.

The brisk air brought him back to his senses. He knew that there was no hope. He had always wanted to grow up making a difference in the world and knew that it was a big, foolish dream at that. The silence of the night brought him a form of comfort. Silence, the only place where he was able to gather his thoughts. Find out what kind of person he truly was. He started to feel warm. Vision started to fade. The breeze flowing over the long grass in the field, gave him the sensation of flight. He took one more full breath, knowing that things would be better for him. And closed his eyes.

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