Posts tagged ‘nightmares’

July 27, 2014

Circles

I don’t know what it is. But this last week I haven’t been able to sleep. It’s not that I can’t sleep but its what I fear when I do. There are just so many nightmares that I’ve been having and every night I stay up until I can’t anymore so that I can stay away from facing those nightmares for as long as I can. It’s really affecting how I am throughout the day because I can feel that I am a lot more irritable and easily tired. I just want to sleep but I don’t want to face the sadness when I do.

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June 7, 2012

5 More Days!

I can’t believe how quickly it’s coming up, but that is how many days until I leave for beautiful Alabama for Field Training! I’ve been nervous out of my mind! So much that I haven’t been able to sleep too well. I’ve had some pretty intense nightmares lately, but I’m probably just psyching myself out. Field Training is basically, well, a truncated form of basic training for Air Force ROTC cadets. It’s one of the big milestones that a cadet overcomes before becoming commissioned as soon as he/she graduates. One milestone that I never thought that I would reach, with it being fairly competitive as there are only a number of slots that each University can offer.

But I got that chance, the opportunity to do something big and just thinking about the impacts that it will have further down the road…it’s truly awesome what I’ll have the chance to be a part of! It’ll be awesome. But what really gets me is that I really don’t know what to expect. That’s the worst, not knowing what to expect. I’m ready…but I don’t know. I’ve never felt this nervous for anything before. I haven’t been able to sleep too well the last few days, as my nights have been riddled with so many different nightmares. Nightmares that all share one thing in common. About failing. Oh well, I can’t let that bring me down. I’ve already come too far. And everything turns out alright in the end. Now I just have to listen to my own advice eh?

But on the other hand, summer’s been great. The days just seem to drag by…which is exactly how I like it! I don’t want school to come around any faster than it needs to! Haha, I haven’t had anything school related to procrastinate on, hence why I’m not on here too often…although I just can’t imagine how many awesome crazy stories that I’ve been missing :( Oh well, I’ll definitely be back. Oh, one thing! What are some good songs to calm the nerves? Something to fall asleep to would work wonders :)

Anyways wish me luck! As I realize now that I’ll be down there in Alabama for both my birthday (my 21st of all of them! :O) and 4th of July!! Errgh. But what better way to spend the 4th with all my buddies down in Alabama on an AF base though haha. The first thing I’m going to do when I get back is buy the entire 6-7 seaons of The Office. I just love that show!! Alright well, I should really get to back as I’m sensing the incoherence of what I’m trying to say. So good night to you all! Or possibly morning…er evening. Sleep…why do you elude me?

 

March 25, 2012

Nightmares

Lately I’ve been having nothing but nightmares. One after another after another. I don’t really know what the reason is. And they’ve definitely started after experiencing that sleep paralysis last week. They’ve been really vivid too. Almost as if someone fixed the projector in my mind that creates these nightmares and set it to crystal clear, 1080p. They’re not the really abstract ones either but really personal ones. Such as losing a close family member, about a friend that I haven’t seen since I was a kid, and failing at my responsibilities to name a few.

I know I’ve recieved really good news earlier this week but I still can’t help worrying about the future. Money is definitely one of those worries. It’s not so much me, but how much my mom has sacrificed to help me be where I am. In just a matter of years…her whole savings for retirement just withered up, to help me. Now she can’t take any vacation for herself or even get the Baja transplants to help aid with her hearing (she lost one side as a result of her brain surgery).

Not only that but we hired a lawyer to help find my dad so that he could help with some of the payments as stated in the divorce files. It turns out that the lawyer practically ripped us off. What pisses me off is that she took advantage of my mom because she has an accent, being from Korea. And I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t go with her to those meetings to make sure nothing like that would happen. I’ve never felt this helpless about a situation.

Also I’ve always walked a different path then a lot of my friends. I look at them and wish that I had their life sometimes. So carefree and having the time of their lives, while I slave away doing school work and giving up a lot of freedoms that most people have. I can’t help but feeling alone sometimes. But hey, maybe I’m getting a little too deep here. Life goes on. And around here actually caring about things is a characteristic of being weak. Fuck that, having feelings means you’re human in my book.

Just a little song that’s been on my mind for the past week or so. Can’t get it out of my head, with it being a really sad song actually. Oh well, I hope that things will start to turn around for my mom at least. I should probably get some sleep actually, hopefully no more nightmares for a while.

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