Posts tagged ‘loneliness’

February 7, 2013

Lone Wolf

Sometimes, I don’t know what it is, but I have this inescapable feeling of loneliness. And it doesn’t matter how many people that I’m with, I still feel like no one understands what this feeling is like. Today is definitely one of those days. I do my best to be there for others when they need it, everyone needs to vent sometimes, but sometimes I really just don’t give a shit. I feel like all these people do is complain, and I’m that kind of person that takes it upon myself to be there for them. But hey, things get rough even for me.

I’m usually able to talk things out off of my chest with my parents, but after our conversation today, I feel like we’re just not looking at things the same anymore. I usually come out of these deep conversations with a sense of relief, that everything’s going to be ok. But today, I felt more lost. There’s just been a lot on my mind lately…the usual stress from finances, school, life in general. And there’s some other issues as well regarding some of my fellow cadets, friends really, and their possible disenrollment because of alcohol and stupid decisions. These are the kinds of topics that I can’t just really turn to anyone and explain because it’s really personal stuff, so as a result all of these negative feelings have just built up inside.

It’s tough when you feel like a grain of sand on an endless beach. That my opinions and feelings, for the most part, do not matter. That I’ve come to the point where I have to come here to find solace. The world isn’t a pretty place and I know that. I’ve known that. But it does help when someone would just listen for once. As much as I love to listen I am a person too and have worries and concerns and anxieties that plague me day in and day out. I know that this might sound like I’m being selfish, that everything is about me, but that’s far from the truth. If I could help every single person in this world, I would, as impossible as it may sound. But I would.

But the world isn’t like that. It can be a cold place of fatigue, loneliness, and sorrow. So maybe I should just suck it up and stick to my own guns. I’ve always relied on myself when things got tough and they have always seemed to work out. Anyways, thanks for bearing with me. This is the last thing that I would have wanted to post on here, but I’ve run out of people who are willing to listen. And to write it down is the only comfort and satisfaction that I will get.story

July 20, 2012

My Attempt at Poetry

The pale moon floats in the sky

I wake up in the dead of night

These are the nights that I despise

Where there is no hope, no light

It is always Dark

Countless thoughts

Afraid I’m the only one

In this struggle

That can not be won

It is always Dark

Desperate, looking for hope

Unlike the man on the docks

I search for Solace

In the glowing box

It is always Dark

What is so important

About the ills of One

I am nothing but a lie

Hiding a heart nearly gone

It is always Dark

But in the fires of a forge

Impurities are banished

And if not for my self

Then maybe for others

May I be a light

[So I’ve been trying to clean up my room (which should have happened a long time ago) and I happened to find this in one of my notebooks that I had saved from high school a couple years back. I’m pretty sure this was my Language Arts notebook…It definitely wasn’t the Math one (It’s too beat up to tell what’s written on the cover :/). Anyways, it seems to be something that I wrote while our class was on the topic of poetry. So there you have it, one of my first attempts at poetry…Please, don’t laugh too hard.]

April 30, 2012

A letter to myself.

If you were to die right now, how would you feel? Would you feel that everything you’ve done up until this point has been your best? Would you have regrets, that maybe with a second chance things could have gone any better? I ask this because I realize that we all take life for granted. We’re here for one day, but who knows? We might not tomorrow. Everybody seems to live like they will live forever. But life is so fragile. You never know when you will be called to leave this earth. So why not live everyday like it would be your last? Not recklessly and in a stupid manner, but being 100% of who you are? You never know who will fall in love with that side that you are desperately trying to hide.

It’s such a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and to get up on my own two legs. To open my window and appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face. Today felt so unreal. My room was silent. I sat there at my desk and just took a minute to look around. Everything was calm, quiet. The only sound coming from the chirping of the birds outside. The air was still and the only light was from the sun, whose angled columns of light illuminated the dusty shelves and the posters on my wall. I may have only been here for one year, but there are so many memories here. The year is winding down, the campus getting quiet as people prepare for final exams. I feel as if I’ve been in this same position many times before. And I’ve hated this feeling. Of change. Of people getting ready to move onto the next stages of their lives.

What is the purpose of this life? What makes it worth living? I know I said that we should live 100% but why should I continue being kind when all I get in return are only scoffs and cold-shoulders? I hate seeing people sad. And when I do, I do my best to help them up, give them a smile. But when I’m down, who’s there to help me? Maybe I should just be happy when I see others happy. Is it bad that every person I meet, I give them a piece of my heart? Maybe bad for me, since every time they leave out of my life that’s another piece gone, torn away from my chest. I hate that feeling, but maybe if I’ve been enough of an impact somehow, that’s fine with me. So when you read this down the road, just remember: “It is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.”

-Simon

April 14, 2012

Rain

The clouds are on the verge of spilling its tears. The sun has already fled from its post. The wind creeping ever so slowly through the leaves of it’s branches. The gray sky emitting barely audible growls. These are the days that I thrive in. The days that I feel most alive. These are the days that make me feel as if I have a home, away from home. It is dark. But there is something so familiar about this loneliness. Even though I am in the company of others, I am still alone. I’ve been here before, been lost in it’s wake. I’ve been lost, but also I’ve been found. Rescued from a life of despair. That is not my fate.

Although these days make me feel isolated, it brings me comfort. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe because it brings back memories of when my family was still together. Still happy. Not a care in the world. Back when things were simple.

I ran away from home once. Naive of me. I was only 6 at the time. It was a day similar to this one. It was raining and I just wanted to run away. Far away. I wanted to prove to my parents that I could take care of myself. I felt so free. Running through the empty streets. Only the splash of my footsteps and the rain hitting the metal roofs of the buildings as I passed them. Yet I also felt scared out of my mind. How could I do that to my parents? Make them worried sick? I came back and my parents were there for me. Gave me a big hug and I felt that nothing could ever hurt me. Being in the embrace of both of my parents. Nothing could ever hurt me.

Then my parents split. I was too young to understand it. But I did. Maybe I didn’t know what the exact reasons were. But I knew. From there my world was destroyed. We moved. I lost all of my friends as well as my family as we moved away. No one told me we would never be coming back. I grew up in a broken family. With one parent that truly cared about who I would be as I grew up.

Anyways, I don’t really know how much longer she is going to be around. So I want to keep every memory I have. Write it down. Now, why am I sharing this in the open? Well, I figured I would explain my name a bit more. Plus, although this may seem downcast, but you will never truly know who I am. I may walk past you one day and you would never know. And that’s how I would like to keep it. I’ve already lost too many friends, and I would prefer not to lose anymore. I’m just another person with another blog. Nothing special.

This is why I call rainy days home. It brings back that day when I felt so free. The day that I felt anything was possible. The rain washed away every fear that I had. Even today, it brings me back to that time. Where things were simple and all that was important was each other. It’s starting to rain now.

March 25, 2012

Nightmares

Lately I’ve been having nothing but nightmares. One after another after another. I don’t really know what the reason is. And they’ve definitely started after experiencing that sleep paralysis last week. They’ve been really vivid too. Almost as if someone fixed the projector in my mind that creates these nightmares and set it to crystal clear, 1080p. They’re not the really abstract ones either but really personal ones. Such as losing a close family member, about a friend that I haven’t seen since I was a kid, and failing at my responsibilities to name a few.

I know I’ve recieved really good news earlier this week but I still can’t help worrying about the future. Money is definitely one of those worries. It’s not so much me, but how much my mom has sacrificed to help me be where I am. In just a matter of years…her whole savings for retirement just withered up, to help me. Now she can’t take any vacation for herself or even get the Baja transplants to help aid with her hearing (she lost one side as a result of her brain surgery).

Not only that but we hired a lawyer to help find my dad so that he could help with some of the payments as stated in the divorce files. It turns out that the lawyer practically ripped us off. What pisses me off is that she took advantage of my mom because she has an accent, being from Korea. And I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t go with her to those meetings to make sure nothing like that would happen. I’ve never felt this helpless about a situation.

Also I’ve always walked a different path then a lot of my friends. I look at them and wish that I had their life sometimes. So carefree and having the time of their lives, while I slave away doing school work and giving up a lot of freedoms that most people have. I can’t help but feeling alone sometimes. But hey, maybe I’m getting a little too deep here. Life goes on. And around here actually caring about things is a characteristic of being weak. Fuck that, having feelings means you’re human in my book.

Just a little song that’s been on my mind for the past week or so. Can’t get it out of my head, with it being a really sad song actually. Oh well, I hope that things will start to turn around for my mom at least. I should probably get some sleep actually, hopefully no more nightmares for a while.

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