Archive for ‘Dreams’

July 27, 2014

Circles

I don’t know what it is. But this last week I haven’t been able to sleep. It’s not that I can’t sleep but its what I fear when I do. There are just so many nightmares that I’ve been having and every night I stay up until I can’t anymore so that I can stay away from facing those nightmares for as long as I can. It’s really affecting how I am throughout the day because I can feel that I am a lot more irritable and easily tired. I just want to sleep but I don’t want to face the sadness when I do.

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September 22, 2013

To Fly Away

I just had the saddest yet most peaceful dream just the last night. Even if I would’ve passed away in my sleep it wouldn’t have mattered since I haven’t felt that reconciled with myself in such a long time. Anyways for some reason, in my dream, I decided that I would just stop everything and travel the world. And for some reason, the first place I picked was Russia but for whatever reason it was, it was beautiful. I was traveling with just a few friends and there seemed to be nobody on the roads. Absolutely nobody, almost as if I was discovering a new world. I was taken aback at how different the road signs and traffic laws were and the unnatural lack of people in the countryside.

Driving through this countryside and taking in everything that was unfamiliar was almost too much, but it was also a welcome getaway from all the pain that I have felt over the years. The pain that I have not had the chance to properly let go, just sitting there in the bottom of my heart building over the years. It was a welcome getaway, just me and a few friends (and both my parents, which was a bit odd). Anyways throughout the course of my dream, each person began to fade away one by one, and it was almost as if I had never known them in the first place. Eventually I ended up in a city by myself, on my own and I felt that this was what was planned for me from the beginning.

I began to realize that I was starting to feel a bit lonely being just one person in a bustling city (although nobody was there to keep it bustling). And I realized that there are some things that I just can’t do on my own. Even thought that that is how I have done things as long as I can remember. I would do anything than to accept that I needed help on something. I feel that when I do things myself and have that quiet time set aside for me, I know who I am on the inside and forgetting that is the scariest thing. It’s easy to forget your own values and morals when you are constantly surrounded by others.

But I also realized that you can’t reach your maximum potential if you don’t have the right person to complete you. Someone to hear you out when you’re down, to pick you up when you’re just too beat down to do it yourself. And in this city, when I felt that I could no longer do it on my own that person walked into my life and showed me that it’s more about doing things on your own.

However, this would have never happened if I had just dropped everything and left to find myself in another place. I feel that most of us live in a sort of daily routine which numbs us to the beauties that surround us every single day. For example, I live in a place with the Rockies as my view and the sunrise over the mountains is absolutely amazing, but I take that for granted now and it’s nothing special anymore. I only realized that because my roommate was talking about how awesome it was the other day and made me remember how awesome it really is.

I feel that if we break away from this routine of day to day indifferences we can truly realize that we live in an amazing world, and maybe, just maybe you’ll find that special person to share that with. And I guess, according to my dream, my way out of this cycle is to find a place where I’ll be thrown out of my comfort zone and have the courage not to come back. Anyways I’m starting to lose my train of thought here. I tried to write this as soon as I got up, before I forgot but I keep getting distracted and daydreaming. I almost wish I had never woken up.

birds

March 31, 2013

What is success?

 

 

sunset

I remember growing up, hearing a lot of my friends say that they want to be successful in life when they grew up. But as I got older, I realized that everyone’s definition of success varies quite vastly from one person to the next. Some people saw success as owning many sports cars and being a successful business owner. Others saw success as following in the footsteps of someone that they viewed as successful. But what is success?

Now, this is only from what I’ve seen and experienced, but I feel that success is something that is entirely relevant to your situation. You don’t have to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner in order to be a successful person. You don’t have to be the founder of a new technology that will revolutionize the way people live. Yea, that’s totally an awesome goal to reach for, but you can find success in everyday little things as well.

As humans, I feel that we are accustomed to having something more. We are never quite satisfied with where we are at. If we could only have that one object, or know that certain person, everything would be better. But I’ve found out that it doesn’t matter what the ‘next’ thing is, if you’re not satisfied with yourself, then you might miss all of those little things is life that can make even the smallest successes into the greatest achievements.

ladder

In high school, I felt that the greatest success would be if I were to get into the college that I wanted to. But now that I’m in that college, it doesn’t really feel like the success that I had imagined. Now my vision of success is to graduate and get a job. But being in Air Force ROTC really is a blessing in that I don’t have to worry about that. It’s always something more, what can I do more to be more successful. It is a consuming dilemma.

But I realize that success is what you make it. I realize that if I look back one year from today and see the type of person that I was then, if my past self would be proud of the person I am now, that is success for me. If I am a better person now, than I was one year ago, that is something that I am proud of. And what does ‘better’ necessarily mean?

We live in a world with over 7 billion people now. It is very easy to look down on others or be selfish and look out for #1. Very easy. But success for me is knowing that I am just another person, knowing that I can make a difference in the life of someone else. A few summers ago, I went to a camp for disabled children, a volunteer opportunity to serve those that were diagnosed with various debilitating illnesses. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences I’ve had the opportunity to have. At the end, the camper I took care of was in tears, because he told me that out in the ‘real’ world no one has treated him with the love and care that we were able to provide. And it was definitely a stinger to the heart, because knowing that when he went back to his school others would pick on him (some of his stories were heartbreaking). For these kids, this camp is heaven and knowing that I made a difference in one other person, I saw that as a major success in my life. Knowing that I can be like a large majority of people, looking out for only myself, but I choose not to be. I have the means and the resources to help others, so why keep it all to myself?

Because of that one experience, along with a countless others, I am on my current path now of being that officer in the Air Force. Why, the Air Force? Serving in the military that protects the rights of people like you and me seemed to be the best way I felt that I could give back. Not only that but following the example that my dad put forth, being in the Army was a major contributor to my decision. I don’t know what it was, but there’s just something so gratifying in helping others and putting yourself 2nd to put the needs of those around you.

And that is what success is to me. Knowing that if I’m able to make someone’s life even just a bit more easy at my expense, it was all worth it in the end. It’s not what I can do for myself, or about the amount of money, or the number of people that you know. It’s about knowing that someone did that for me, who didn’t even know me, before I was even born. This one’s to the one that saw the value in my life even before I was born. This one’s to you, Jesus.

From 2009

From 2009

November 12, 2012

Sleep Paralysis Pt.2

I have been feeling terrible the past couple days, and I think it’s just a combination of not sleeping enough, worrying about financial things, and just being ready for Thanksgiving Break. Last night I decided to do the unthinkable and actually go to bed at a decent time. Mostly because my body wouldn’t have been able to handle being awake for another couple hours. I’m literally running on fumes here. But I decided to go to sleep. And that’s when it started to get strange.

I was driving in my car and it was pitch black outside. It really reminded me of one of those old, black and white movies. Had a couple friends in the backseat, just jokin’ around and such. I noticed however that I could barely see the road though, and also to my surprise that my headlights weren’t working. I tried to drive at a good pace until when I rounded the corner and ran over this random snowbank. After one of my friends suggested that I should get my eyes checked in a joking manner, we kept driving. Every minute it started to get harder to see considering it just kept getting darker. After I swerved again and nearly went into the other lane, I decided that I should probably turn off the road and stop for a bit.

I was starting to get a bit nervous in that there wasn’t any turnoffs. I finally found one and started to slow down to get off of the main road, only to my horror that it was the street of where I used to live. For some reason there was an immense feeling of dread, and I knew that something was terribly wrong because for some reason I shouldn’t be here. As I continued driving down the road I just knew that it was just an omen to be there right now.

This is where things started to be terrifying. I knew that if I continued down this road something really bad was going to happen. So out of sheer willpower, I was able to do something that I have never done before. I turned the car around. At that exact moment, whatever was guiding me down that road, to my old house didn’t want me to turn away. It was an absolute struggle to turn the car around, and at that moment I heard something in the backseat. It definitely wasn’t my friends anymore, and I fought with all of my strength not to turn around and see what had replaced them.

At that exact moment, whatever was trying to get me to go to my old house let up, and I woke up. Something was kind of odd, in that when I went to bed, I left the kitchen light on and it wasn’t on anymore. I couldn’t see that sliver of light from under my door. Not only that but not even five minutes had passed since I had that numbing dream. I found myself lying on my back once more, and decided to get up to go see why the light had turned off. The only thing was I couldn’t get up. I was literally paralyzed. I have never felt more helpless in my life. I gave every ounce of strength I had into moving my arm. It’s like one of those time when you’re arm or leg falls asleep and you try to move it, and it’s not necessarily painful but it’s scary in the lack of control you have in moving.

I tried not to panic, but I remember being in a similar situation just last year and what soon followed. I knew that I had to get up before it came. I was nearly in tears but I managed to get myself up, although I couldn’t feel a damn thing. I struggled to make my way over to my bedroom door and managed to open it with what little feeling there was in my fingers. The hallway was dark and panic started to seep into my mind knowing that the light should have still been on. I tried to make my way across the hallway to the bathroom when I heard a loud bang. My knee ended up hitting the door frame. Hard.

As I struggled to figure out what was going on…I started to black out. When I woke up, I found myself in my bed. I looked at my alarm clock and saw that only 20 minutes had passed since going to sleep. I looked over at my door and saw the thin sliver of light from the kitchen from under the door. I sat up, with ease this time, in the dark and felt tears rolling down my face.

I have never been in a nightmare that bad, and have the strength to determine the outcome of it. I have never woke up from one nightmare into another, with the feeling of absolute helplessness as I tried so desperately to move. All I knew was that I wanted to live, and if I would have continued to the end of that street I knew instinctively that something bad would happen. How and why did I know? I honestly have no idea, I just knew. What is wrong with me?

October 27, 2012

Blessed

It’s definitely getting to that point in the semester where things just start to look bleak. I don’t know what it is exactly, maybe the changing weather, maybe just knowing that school just feels like it’s never going to end. A person can only take so much before straining under that pressure. And stressing about things really doesn’t help, but it’s hard knowing that my family is under so much financial constraints. We’re at the point of living paycheck to paycheck and it’s hard seeing my mom go through coupon books and buy things that she sees in advertisements, considering she has never done that before.

It doesn’t help that our college tuition has been going up a little every semester. Not only that but my car is suddenly experiencing a lot of issues that require going to the shop to fix. I felt heartbroken the last time I talked to my mom, because I knew money is an issue and she told me she sent some pocket money. This pocket money ended up being all of her tips that she managed to earn in September. She always tries to play it off that money isn’t really an issue, but deep down I know that it’s been hard on her especially. She had to resort to using all of the money in her savings account and her retirement money. She really has nothing left and I feel absolutely terrible in that she still insists that I take the pocket money she sends me, basically her monthly earnings.

I don’t know where I’m going with this really. I just don’t feel that I have anyone that I can talk to right now. My mom really has sacrificed so much just to see my brother and I succeed and it’s just a lot of pressure not to feel like I’m letting her down. I’ve been having really bad nightmares recently and they’ve only been getting progressively worse. I just hate how my mom will do everything that she can in order to help me and my brother, even if that means sacrificing her retirement savings.

But in all reality, I don’t think I would be here without her. Her strength in overcoming her brain tumor was what set me straight on the path that I chose and it’s just good to remember why I’m here. It’s definitely one of those things that have been on my mind lately and I feel that writing it down always seems to help. Maybe things will look up in the future.

One of my favorite songs from when I was a smaller kid. Makes me thankful for what I have, always.

July 17, 2012

Call me a child…

…but I love Avatar. And this is just a little something that just had to do, now that after being back I have so much time…I don’t even know what to do! Anyways hope you enjoy ;)

Oh man…there is so much catching up to do!

June 7, 2012

5 More Days!

I can’t believe how quickly it’s coming up, but that is how many days until I leave for beautiful Alabama for Field Training! I’ve been nervous out of my mind! So much that I haven’t been able to sleep too well. I’ve had some pretty intense nightmares lately, but I’m probably just psyching myself out. Field Training is basically, well, a truncated form of basic training for Air Force ROTC cadets. It’s one of the big milestones that a cadet overcomes before becoming commissioned as soon as he/she graduates. One milestone that I never thought that I would reach, with it being fairly competitive as there are only a number of slots that each University can offer.

But I got that chance, the opportunity to do something big and just thinking about the impacts that it will have further down the road…it’s truly awesome what I’ll have the chance to be a part of! It’ll be awesome. But what really gets me is that I really don’t know what to expect. That’s the worst, not knowing what to expect. I’m ready…but I don’t know. I’ve never felt this nervous for anything before. I haven’t been able to sleep too well the last few days, as my nights have been riddled with so many different nightmares. Nightmares that all share one thing in common. About failing. Oh well, I can’t let that bring me down. I’ve already come too far. And everything turns out alright in the end. Now I just have to listen to my own advice eh?

But on the other hand, summer’s been great. The days just seem to drag by…which is exactly how I like it! I don’t want school to come around any faster than it needs to! Haha, I haven’t had anything school related to procrastinate on, hence why I’m not on here too often…although I just can’t imagine how many awesome crazy stories that I’ve been missing :( Oh well, I’ll definitely be back. Oh, one thing! What are some good songs to calm the nerves? Something to fall asleep to would work wonders :)

Anyways wish me luck! As I realize now that I’ll be down there in Alabama for both my birthday (my 21st of all of them! :O) and 4th of July!! Errgh. But what better way to spend the 4th with all my buddies down in Alabama on an AF base though haha. The first thing I’m going to do when I get back is buy the entire 6-7 seaons of The Office. I just love that show!! Alright well, I should really get to back as I’m sensing the incoherence of what I’m trying to say. So good night to you all! Or possibly morning…er evening. Sleep…why do you elude me?

 

May 13, 2012

Quick/Lazy Post

Alright, so I finally made it to the threshold known as summer! Definitely a relief, for a little bit anyways. I’m also back home, so now I don’t have to deal with the extreme awkwardness of walking into the bathroom that my roommate was occupying at the moment, or waking up in the middle of the night to my other roommate singing and playing the guitar like no one else lives in the home, or just saying hey to final roommate after coming home then being drawn into a solid 2 hours of one sided conversation where I get to hear how his day went down to every last detail, including which spoon he used to eat his cereal that morning. Oh it is so good to be home! Anyways, now that I don’t have any assignments to keep me busy (only the ominous day which I will leave to Alabama for Field Training) I still have to keep myself motivated! So anyways, I found these pictures earlier today and didn’t really have a place for them, so I thought I’d share them on here. Ahhhh, now off to my own bed, in my own home…:P

Sorry if the text is kind of small…

And one more to chew on…

May 3, 2012

Pencil and Eraser

I found this story a little bit back and it was definitely a shot to the chest. I’ve never really thought of it this way.

Pencil: I’m sorry

Eraser: For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.

Pencil: I’m sorry because you get hurt because of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you’re always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That’s true. But I don’t really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I’ll be gone and you’ll replace me with a new one, I’m actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad.

I found this conversation between the pencil and the eraser very inspirational. Parents are like the eraser whereas their children are the pencil. They’re always there for their children, cleaning up their mistakes. Sometimes along the way, they get hurt, and become smaller / older, and eventually pass on. Though their children will eventually find someone new (spouse), but parents are still happy with what they do for their children, and will always hate seeing their precious ones worrying, or sad. All my life, I’ve been the pencil. And it pains me to see the eraser that is my parents getting smaller and smaller each day. For I know that one day, all that I’m left with would be eraser shavings and memories of what I used to have.

April 30, 2012

A letter to myself.

If you were to die right now, how would you feel? Would you feel that everything you’ve done up until this point has been your best? Would you have regrets, that maybe with a second chance things could have gone any better? I ask this because I realize that we all take life for granted. We’re here for one day, but who knows? We might not tomorrow. Everybody seems to live like they will live forever. But life is so fragile. You never know when you will be called to leave this earth. So why not live everyday like it would be your last? Not recklessly and in a stupid manner, but being 100% of who you are? You never know who will fall in love with that side that you are desperately trying to hide.

It’s such a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and to get up on my own two legs. To open my window and appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face. Today felt so unreal. My room was silent. I sat there at my desk and just took a minute to look around. Everything was calm, quiet. The only sound coming from the chirping of the birds outside. The air was still and the only light was from the sun, whose angled columns of light illuminated the dusty shelves and the posters on my wall. I may have only been here for one year, but there are so many memories here. The year is winding down, the campus getting quiet as people prepare for final exams. I feel as if I’ve been in this same position many times before. And I’ve hated this feeling. Of change. Of people getting ready to move onto the next stages of their lives.

What is the purpose of this life? What makes it worth living? I know I said that we should live 100% but why should I continue being kind when all I get in return are only scoffs and cold-shoulders? I hate seeing people sad. And when I do, I do my best to help them up, give them a smile. But when I’m down, who’s there to help me? Maybe I should just be happy when I see others happy. Is it bad that every person I meet, I give them a piece of my heart? Maybe bad for me, since every time they leave out of my life that’s another piece gone, torn away from my chest. I hate that feeling, but maybe if I’ve been enough of an impact somehow, that’s fine with me. So when you read this down the road, just remember: “It is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.”

-Simon

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