Lone Wolf

Sometimes, I don’t know what it is, but I have this inescapable feeling of loneliness. And it doesn’t matter how many people that I’m with, I still feel like no one understands what this feeling is like. Today is definitely one of those days. I do my best to be there for others when they need it, everyone needs to vent sometimes, but sometimes I really just don’t give a shit. I feel like all these people do is complain, and I’m that kind of person that takes it upon myself to be there for them. But hey, things get rough even for me.

I’m usually able to talk things out off of my chest with my parents, but after our conversation today, I feel like we’re just not looking at things the same anymore. I usually come out of these deep conversations with a sense of relief, that everything’s going to be ok. But today, I felt more lost. There’s just been a lot on my mind lately…the usual stress from finances, school, life in general. And there’s some other issues as well regarding some of my fellow cadets, friends really, and their possible disenrollment because of alcohol and stupid decisions. These are the kinds of topics that I can’t just really turn to anyone and explain because it’s really personal stuff, so as a result all of these negative feelings have just built up inside.

It’s tough when you feel like a grain of sand on an endless beach. That my opinions and feelings, for the most part, do not matter. That I’ve come to the point where I have to come here to find solace. The world isn’t a pretty place and I know that. I’ve known that. But it does help when someone would just listen for once. As much as I love to listen I am a person too and have worries and concerns and anxieties that plague me day in and day out. I know that this might sound like I’m being selfish, that everything is about me, but that’s far from the truth. If I could help every single person in this world, I would, as impossible as it may sound. But I would.

But the world isn’t like that. It can be a cold place of fatigue, loneliness, and sorrow. So maybe I should just suck it up and stick to my own guns. I’ve always relied on myself when things got tough and they have always seemed to work out. Anyways, thanks for bearing with me. This is the last thing that I would have wanted to post on here, but I’ve run out of people who are willing to listen. And to write it down is the only comfort and satisfaction that I will get.story

17 Comments to “Lone Wolf”

  1. I know what you mean- I think to some extent it comes from being a reflective person and getting a little higher on that self actualization scale. At some point I think that the things that matter to you are not the everyday concerns of the people who surround you, because the way you see the world isn’t quite the same. Even beloved parents and older wise ones just don’t get it sometimes. I think it’s a sign of growing up. And it seems like some of your friends just aren’t as mature and don’t have their priorities in the same line. That’s ok, they can still eb your friends, but they may not have the perspective to help you when you are feeling down. It’s ok to be down once in a while, it happens to everybody, but I hope you feel better :)

    • Thanks. That means more than you know. And sorry for getting back to you so late…it’s just been one of those weeks. I feel like sometimes the more you know, the less things seem hopeful. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but it’s always good knowing that tomorrow brings another day. Maybe one day I’ll find someone that will listen to the things that have been on my chest. But until then, writing them down will have to do. Thanks once again :)

  2. I think you’re one of the LEAST selfish people I know. And I know how that loneliness feels and I wish I could do something to help you. You deserve to vent and be listened to as all the friends you do the same for. I hope you get to feel better soon!!

    • Thanks Karina :) Things are better. It’s just one of those weeks where nothing seemed to go right at all. But yea, things are better, it’s just like everything else in life, it’s only just a phase. Hope you are doing well!

  3. Oh man… we are on the same page here… That is why I sometimes do the joke posts about being an alien. Because I feel like there is no one who is like me. Maybe that is why my blog is so important to me, it gives me a chance to show people a small glimpse inside my skull. The few people who have read all of my blog probably know me better than my family or friends do. You are not alone in feeling alone.

    • Totally understand. Yea, using humor to cover up something else seems to work here and there. I’ve learned more about myself through this blog and it really gives me an idea of who I am and who I want to be an I grow older. It is important to me as well. I’m glad there are others that can relate, and I am thankful that they are kind enough to share with me.

  4. Could write a lot here, but actually I just wanna say here you always have someone to listen. We are here. We care. *HUG* <3

  5. I feel like this more times then I can count as well. Sometimes I just wake up and I find that I’m not in sync with anything. Whether its people or places of thoughts.
    You’ll get through this. I found that immersing myself in uplifting things like books and films can change my mood.

    • Absolutely. You just have those days every once in a while. But what can you do, but keep your chin up and stick to your guns? You just have to look for that silver lining, I guess. There’s always a silver lining. Anyways, yea, you’re right. Finding something to keep your mind off of everything seems to help out a lot. Thanks for that!

  6. I understand your feelings, entirely. I still struggle with these things, and I am MUCH older than you. Writing them out and know you have empathetic friends (albeit virtual). And, please, stick to your guns! You know what you are about better than anyone, and from reading about how you are leading your life, I’d say you are doing just fine. The best path for one is not always comfortable, but it is the one we are meant travel (and, sometimes, stand still on …)

    • I will take that advice to heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing the right thing, but other times it feels like I’m just by myself in the dark. It’s definitely hard to always do the ‘right’ thing. It’s never easy, like in books or the movies, and it’s definitely something I struggle with all the time. Selfish ambitions versus selfless charity. But thank you for all of the words of encouragement, they are always welcome :)

  7. Hello, my name is valerie and well I saw this picture on tumblr and I immediately called a friend and I told her let’s do this.Today we went out to the streets and we did it. We were both so excited, literally. But instead we changed the $1 to a cookie. It was amazing and my friend and I are probably gonna remember this day forever. I was wondering if you were the guy from the picture? I did a dropdown image research and I found it (here). If you’re not the guy still I am really interested in talking with you about a couple of things and ideas. What you wrote, is really what many teenagers and even adults feel. My friend and I are trying to make some kind of movement. It would be great if I could contact you by a chance. (I just singed up to wordpress to send you a note, so I don’t really know how to use this) But I have a twitter: @valeriality and I would really love to talk to you. Nice day buddy x

    • First off, that is beyond awesome. Valerie, if I could give you a high five for doing that, I would. That is not me in the picture, but something that my friend sent me a while back. It’s something that they wanted to do for awhile and eventually did and the results were amazing. If you don’t mind, would you let me know how it went?

      Also, I would be open to discuss what ideas you may have. I will try to the best of my ability, considering I’m a student and am finishing up my degree work this year. And I totally understand, many people have just so much locked up away and try to hide it with a smile. It’s really sad sometimes. But yes, I’ll give you my school email (I check that the most) [shalv@rams.colostate.edu] and I’ll have an ear open for what you have to say :)

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