Blessed

It’s definitely getting to that point in the semester where things just start to look bleak. I don’t know what it is exactly, maybe the changing weather, maybe just knowing that school just feels like it’s never going to end. A person can only take so much before straining under that pressure. And stressing about things really doesn’t help, but it’s hard knowing that my family is under so much financial constraints. We’re at the point of living paycheck to paycheck and it’s hard seeing my mom go through coupon books and buy things that she sees in advertisements, considering she has never done that before.

It doesn’t help that our college tuition has been going up a little every semester. Not only that but my car is suddenly experiencing a lot of issues that require going to the shop to fix. I felt heartbroken the last time I talked to my mom, because I knew money is an issue and she told me she sent some pocket money. This pocket money ended up being all of her tips that she managed to earn in September. She always tries to play it off that money isn’t really an issue, but deep down I know that it’s been hard on her especially. She had to resort to using all of the money in her savings account and her retirement money. She really has nothing left and I feel absolutely terrible in that she still insists that I take the pocket money she sends me, basically her monthly earnings.

I don’t know where I’m going with this really. I just don’t feel that I have anyone that I can talk to right now. My mom really has sacrificed so much just to see my brother and I succeed and it’s just a lot of pressure not to feel like I’m letting her down. I’ve been having really bad nightmares recently and they’ve only been getting progressively worse. I just hate how my mom will do everything that she can in order to help me and my brother, even if that means sacrificing her retirement savings.

But in all reality, I don’t think I would be here without her. Her strength in overcoming her brain tumor was what set me straight on the path that I chose and it’s just good to remember why I’m here. It’s definitely one of those things that have been on my mind lately and I feel that writing it down always seems to help. Maybe things will look up in the future.

One of my favorite songs from when I was a smaller kid. Makes me thankful for what I have, always.

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4 Comments to “Blessed”

  1. I’m sorry to read that your family is struggling so much!! How much time do you have left in your studies? As much as it pains you, I think it’s in every good mother to try and give their children everything she can offer. I know my Mom was like this and my Gran is still that way. You can always talk to me, well, I don’t really know you IRL but I don’t reckon it would be a problem. Take care and I hope you manage to leave the nightmares behind!

    • It’s hard, especially considering the economy doesn’t look to be getting better any sooner. I still have another year and a half left before I’ll finally graduate and commission. It seems so far away, but on the other hand it’ll probably be here before I know it. Strange how time works like that, eh?

      But thanks a lot though, it does mean a lot. Just being able to throw things out there. Finding purpose, through different ways.

  2. This was sweet and moving and we all feel bleakified now and then. I go on bleak binges. It is good to have a place to let it out. My blog is helping me a lot like that.

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