Nightmares

Lately I’ve been having nothing but nightmares. One after another after another. I don’t really know what the reason is. And they’ve definitely started after experiencing that sleep paralysis last week. They’ve been really vivid too. Almost as if someone fixed the projector in my mind that creates these nightmares and set it to crystal clear, 1080p. They’re not the really abstract ones either but really personal ones. Such as losing a close family member, about a friend that I haven’t seen since I was a kid, and failing at my responsibilities to name a few.

I know I’ve recieved really good news earlier this week but I still can’t help worrying about the future. Money is definitely one of those worries. It’s not so much me, but how much my mom has sacrificed to help me be where I am. In just a matter of years…her whole savings for retirement just withered up, to help me. Now she can’t take any vacation for herself or even get the Baja transplants to help aid with her hearing (she lost one side as a result of her brain surgery).

Not only that but we hired a lawyer to help find my dad so that he could help with some of the payments as stated in the divorce files. It turns out that the lawyer practically ripped us off. What pisses me off is that she took advantage of my mom because she has an accent, being from Korea. And I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t go with her to those meetings to make sure nothing like that would happen. I’ve never felt this helpless about a situation.

Also I’ve always walked a different path then a lot of my friends. I look at them and wish that I had their life sometimes. So carefree and having the time of their lives, while I slave away doing school work and giving up a lot of freedoms that most people have. I can’t help but feeling alone sometimes. But hey, maybe I’m getting a little too deep here. Life goes on. And around here actually caring about things is a characteristic of being weak. Fuck that, having feelings means you’re human in my book.

Just a little song that’s been on my mind for the past week or so. Can’t get it out of my head, with it being a really sad song actually. Oh well, I hope that things will start to turn around for my mom at least. I should probably get some sleep actually, hopefully no more nightmares for a while.

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26 Responses to “Nightmares”

  1. reading this rings true to things in my life, especially regarding looking at others lives etc. The best advice I can offer is to try and keep positive and no matter how many times you get knocked down, pick yourself off and dust yourself down. I hope these things even themselves out over time which means we are both due an easier ride in the future!

    • Thanks, yea I totally agree. The best thing we can do is keep moving forward. Everything is only temporary anyways. And that’s so true! All the hurdles we’re facing now hopefully means that we’ll have it made sometime soon in the near future haha!

  2. Life is choices. I regret not giving up some of the fun I had. I would be something completely different. On the other hand, even though the kind of fun I had took as much work as real work, it did sort of make me who I am. There, that was helpful, wasn’t it?

  3. My prayers will be for you this week my friend. Trust me everything will work out for the better and all of your effort is not going to go to waste. Look at those same friends in ten years and see how much farther ahead of them you are. Hope you get a break soon. I will post pictures from Tahoe next week just for you buddy :)

    • Thanks man, that means a ton. I believe it, my future is looking bright now and I couldn’t have done it without the support of my family. I just hope that I’ll be able to give back before it’s too late. My mom has worked too hard for too long without getting any sort of break and it does hurt, especially knowing that she won’t be around forever. But, I just got to use what’s at my disposal and make the best of everything. Thanks for letting me see that.

      Oh and I’m looking forward to those pics!! :D

      • Don’t worry if you never get that chance to pay them back (even though I’m sure you will) because we do things out of kindness for our loved ones and don’t expect anything back :)

  4. This is a touching post, my friend. The words and music arouse strangely familiar emotions in me. I hope the future will unveil bright prospects in your favour.

    • Thank you :) I’m glad that you were able to relate in some way. And the future is bright! Tomorrow brings a new day and everything will be fine for me, everything’s only temporary right? Thanks for stopping by :)

  5. Sometimes when times seem the hardest that bright spot is right around the corner. Keep
    Your head up everything will be ok. Don’t let life beat you up.

  6. Hello my young and wise friend,
    You have just laid out the issues that are flollowing you in your dreams. You feel so much responsibility for things and have no empwerment over any. It’s not surprising to me that you are having nightmares. You carry too much weight for a young person but feel no choice.

    I love your devotion to your mom. I know how proud she is of you. Doing the best you can with what you have to work with is all anyone can do. You included. Those things that others may have are just that – things. I doubt very much that they have the soul you have, or even have some of the things you worry about on their radar. You are doing the best, and for that please take pride. Your pride is what no one can touch, something so powerful that it will help you suceed. That’s a promise from this mom.

    Hang in there ~

    • Thanks so much :) I guess I didn’t really think of it that way. Being the oldest in my family, I’ve always had the responsibility of keeping everything under control when my parents weren’t around. They always expected me to get everything perfect!! But I guess in the long run it helped me manage those as well as other responsibilities.

      As for my mom, she’s always been there for me. Through thick and thin. After the divorce she manned up, unlike my father and gave me that hope that there’s something better out there. She always encouraged me to challenge myself, that impossible is not always impossible. Thanks for that advice, I will have to keep that one in mind now. Oh well, I have class in a few minutes haha, but thanks for stopping by :D

  7. This was very touching, and I have a deep respect for you and that you keep your head up through all the troubles. Today a school friend of mine told me she’d pray for me (my both ankles got hurt and my wrist has infection, and my head’s totally unstable) for my getting better soon, so I think it’s only fair to share some of the surprising care I got from a person I don’t even know very well. I will pray for you tonight, that everything with your mum will be alright and that you get some relief of the nightmares. My thoughts are with you tonight. Stay confident, the future is bright for you! Take care my friend.

    • Oh no! I hope there’s nothing too serious with your wrist and ankles. You never really appreciate anything until it’s gone or you injure it… It always makes my day when people I don’t know well wishes me the best. So for that reason I try to do the same thing with people that I don’t know well. It’s all about that golden rule, I guess :) I thank you a ton for including me in your prayers, it is very appreciated! Everything is going to be fine!

  8. Hey! I just got back from uni and checked your blog right away. This doesn’t sound too happy, I’m sorry to hear you being stressed and all. I would say we all go through tough shit but that would take away your whining spotlight (we deserve that once in a while). Just remember, everything is momentary. Nothing is permanent, this situation of yours won’t be what your situation will be in the future. So besides taking comfort in the fact that life continually changes and moves from one trouble to the next (or from one comfort to the next), it’s also a good reminder to make the most of our difficult situations in making ourselves, if not drastically better, stronger.

    • Haha thanks. Yea, I mean if it was something that applied to me specifically I could just suck it up and move on. But the most frustrating part is when other people try to cheat my mom out of a lot of things just because they know that she isn’t familiar with how the legal system works here. I knew when I first met that thin-lipped bitch of a lawyer, that something was wrong. But I know that my mom really wanted to try to find my dad so that he could honor his side of the agreement, which he hasn’t all of these years…Oh well, I’m letting myself go too much.

      You’re right though, everything is temporary. I just hope that things will look up for my mom because she’s been through too much, and money should be the last thing on her mind. And I don’t really know how much longer she’ll be around. But thanks though, we do learn from these things. Things will look up sooner or later :)

  9. Ah, I can relate to the nightmares, they are usually triggered by fears pushed into the unconcious… I learnt that in psychology and I’ve noticed that in my life as well. I often dream about things I fear but fail to express or discuss when im awake. Often the troubles we dont deal with resurface one way of another…. Keep your head up. There’ll be better days, we all have a little rain in life. :) About wishing you were someone else, ive been there a million times til I realized all the people I wanted to be had flaws too, had problems and hurts too… cause we’re all human and no ones perfect. Sometimes we only see from the outside but when you really look beyond they surface you realize they’ve had their struggles too. We all have. Its life… but like I said a little rain. Hope things get better for you soon :)

    • Thanks a bunch. It’s true like they say, ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’. You just have to appreciate what you got, because it can always be worse. For sure. But at least that’s all that they are, just dreams. And thanks, your words are always too kind. I’m not worried for myself too much, just for my mom. She’s given up so much.
      As for you, I hope that you are doing great as well. Get some good rest T!

  10. I hope everything will turn out ok. I’m sorry to hear all those things. Take care of your mom. She deserves it!

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